Quotes To Remember

Ondine

Once a rude person came up to me & asked me about my thinness. The way they asked insinuated that I have some kind of eating disorder, wasting illness or drug issue. Rather than allowing this person to embarrass me & put me on the defensive, I looked her dead in the eyes & asked her, in a polite tone with a sweet 'nice lady' smile (as ascerbic rudeness would've made me look defensive & just isn't my style) "Whyever are you concerned about my body size?" She sputtered, reddened & hurried off. Unless the peron inquiring is someone who actually knows you & is familiar enough to walk up to you & ask a personal question, you do NOT owe them an explanation & THEY are being rude for barging up to you & being nosy. Politely place the embarrassment right back where it belongs: with the boorish person!

Ondine:

Or, let them get freaked out [about skin/parasols/whatever] & let them deal with it. If they CHOOSE to freak out, let it be their problem.

....

People are sometimes too inested in social convention & how others are dressed, how they walk, what bag they carry, what hairdo they wear....people need to mature a little & realize that it really isn't any of anyone else's business!

Skin Regimen

I figured that since I'm close to being finished with this GoW Amped Up Serum trial, I would start working on my future (and hopefully permanent) regime.

Products:
HQ
RA
Glytone (AHA lotion)
Neutrogena face cleanser
Dry Brush
Epsom Salt
Bubble Bath
Likas Papaya Soap
(Potentially) Finale Pink Nipple Cream for the lips
(Potentially) Lava soap for the neck.

Week One

HQ/RA applied once every other night on my neck for the first week. Two day break for exfoliation.
Showers twice daily with Likas soap.
Dry Brushing prior to at least one of two showers.
Epsom baths with bubbles twice weekly. Bring study material.
Glytone lotion applied to legs after nightly shower.
Wash face and neck with Neutrogena once daily, or after returning home to remove sunblock. (La Roche Porsay)

Week Two

To be assessed.

Amped Up Serum Week 3

Beginning of Week 3 anyway. I'm not seeing results with this. >[ I am going to stick with it until the end of week four, or until it runs out (whichever comes first) and then I'm back to using HQ/RA on my neck. How disappointing. :(

Amped Up Serum

It arrived today! I've taken my day one photos and applied it once at night. Starting tomorrow I will be applying it twice a day and at the end of each week/beginning of each new week I will take a series of photos to document change, if any.

I'm Back, Bitches

It's been a long time coming, I know I'd promised at least two new blog entries, and that was at least a month ago, if not longer. But that brings me to a question: who the fuck are you that I'm promising entries to? Who am I writing this blog for? I think the reason I start and don't finish a lot of things is that I'm doing it for this invisible group of "others." Instead of writing it for myself. So I'm done with these promises to the gremlins, goblins, and goons of blogosphere. I'm writing this shit for myself. Which means a lot more cursing! Or not cursing- whatever I feel like. If you blog it, they will come. And if they don't? It won't matter, because I am my primary audience.


So! On my criteria for me! I plan to document my LA peels (this is week four), and I want to cover some controversial topics as I see them. I'm dividing them by the following:

• Is skin lightening an accessory?
• Ownership in the black community.
• What it means to lighten, and what it means to "go dark" again (assuming you do so evenly).
• What it means to have approval, to want approval from someone other than yourself and your higher power of choice if you roll that way.
• Why lightening is such a big deal.
• Judging instead of loving.
• Knowing thyself before taking a plunge; being who you are in the face of adversity, however that may be expressed.
• My own upbringing to give light to why I feel the way I feel about these things.
  
• Eventually roping one or two people into doing some guest posts for me, because I'm just selfish like that.
  

-TS

Long Time No Post!

Heya, folks! It's been almost a whole month! D: I just didn't have much to report, ya know? I had been applying RA all over my body to start with, but I had to discontinue use after I messed up with Nair- it wasn't a pretty site! But now I am almost healed and will soon be able start again! Hopefully mid next week!

Hmmm, what else.... I relaxed and flat ironed my hair yesterday! That was certainly trying on my patience....I also shaved my sides (I keep a mohawk partially out of laziness- less hair to do- and mostly because I like it). My neck was/is peeling like a snake and I learned a new use for baby wipes! Getting the dead skin off without being irritating! Now I won't have to worry about not having Likas Papaya soap (I plan on getting it eventually, but I have so many other things I'm budgeting for).

Things Baby Wipes Are Useful For:

• Removing dead skin cells along the neck and face without being irritating (the aloe vera in them helps)
• Removing make up!
• Getting up stray pieces of shaved off hair (the mini ones are irritating!)
• Oh, and I guess wiping baby bums and what not- but who needs them for that? ;P

I now have light patches on the front of my neck, and slightly lighter patches on the back of my neck! The back of my neck is the slowest to lighten, and the left side of me from the neck up lightens faster than the right. And just to remind you guys: I've only been using the Nadinola + retin-a, I haven't opened my 4% yet (but will be by next week since the Nadinola is almost up).

Annnd that was my discombobulated update just for y'all!

What to expect next time:

• A post on beautiful medium-dark skinned ladies
• A review of Neutrogena's SPF 85+ sunblock with Helioplex!
  

Bang Bang!

I'm getting some peeling on my neck and around my cheekbones/side-burn area. The peeling is mostly on my left side, and concentrated close to the ear when it comes to my neck. I'm so proud! The HP on my side-burns/start of my cheekbones is barely noticeable on the left side! Not as much progress on the right due to there not being as much peeling.

I did take pictures, but I am going to wait a bit for the big reveal. 1) I want to ideally get some after/in-progress pictures while in the same environment as my before pictures and 2) I want to use the same camera. ATM I can't find the battery charger for my good camera and all I have is my cell phone and the bathroom. And girl (or boy!) that bathroom is something else. It certainly brings out my strong red undertones, that's for sure! So I want everything as ideal as possible, especially for the nay sayers who like to say such-and-such was photo edited or such-and-such wasn't in the right lighting.

A quote from a post of mine a day or so ago:

My face peels well, so I am going to keep doing my light buffer. My neck finally started peeling (just light spots in random areas), so I'm happy about that. The peeling is similar to the peeling I got from TCA, but it's much, much thinner and instead of dry and large these are loose and small flakes. My body kind of peeled with my microfiber cloth, but I think on the days I don't apply retin-a I am going to apply Carotein to help the turnover.

In other odd news, my underarms are actively peeling as well!

Yesterday (Monday, as it's actually 3:38 at the time that I'm writing this entry) was the day I was supposed to apply the retin-a again, but I'm holding off until tonight (Tuesday). I think I may need to invest in a different cloth just to cope. I thought the microfiber cloth I had was enough, but I may invest in a different one other skin care people have been tooting. The body STILL WON'T PEEL. "Mother fucker," right? I can't wait to be able to just step it up and use .1%, but I told myself I would get through my two .05% tubes so there isn't a shock on my system. Like the Beyonce song, we're gonna "Work It Out."

P.S.

Another person had the perfect way to describe this peeling for those who are used to the TCA or acid peels like myself: webby and gummy! It's such a thin, thin layer of skin, like plastic wrap thin. And the texture is moist- not wet, but rather it's not like dry, dead skin you'd see in a peel.

Update

Thus far no peeling from the retin-a .05% anywhere but my face. =/ I didn't put a buffer from the neck down, but it looks to not make a difference. Still, persistence is key! I'm just hoping I will have started to shed on my body with this .05 instead of needing to go hardcore with the .1%. I do have it, but the goal is always to "build up"- ya know? I'm thinking about not buffering at all next application.

Retin-A 2nd application and Nadinola Restart

Technically this is day four, but I'm just writing to say this is the second application of retin-a. This time I used no buffer for my body and neck, but kept a light buffer for my face, as it's consistently the most sensitive. I didn't see any peeling on my face until day two, and it was fairly minimal. This evening (day three) I noticed two dark spots on my face I'd never paid much attention to. They weren't caused by the retin-a, as they wouldn't be limited to just that area. Instead I think they became more pronounced from 1) staying out of the sun for weeks now and 2) when going out, being having my more sensitive areas covered and having sunblock. Unless the retin-a really just exposed them. Point is, I'm taking note of them to use as "markers" for improvement. It's actually pretty convenient.

I've restarted Nadinola to my neck and hyperpigmented areas only; Friday nights will mark the day one of my Nadinola application.

A review of what's been going on:

• I applied TCA for the first time in December. Before and after that I had used no HQ or lightening agents. (With the exception of Carotein, but I never noticed it having lightening effects on me as much as exfoliation)
• Fast forward: I used Nadinola for 3 weeks with noticeable improvement
• I then applied TCA again, with Nadinola applied to any exposed skin
• Carotein helped accelerate the shedding, and the new skin is also an improvement
• I added Retin-a to my regime; I'm applying it to my whole body for a week before adding a different brand of HQ, with the aforementioned exception of Nadinola to my hyperpigmentation.
  

For more information about my experiences with Nadinola and TCA, check the previous posts.

Skin Lightening Thoughts Pt. 1

Reasons that are not:

• I am not lightening because I feel light skin is superior, and dark skin is inferior.
• I am not lightening because I feel it will give me a better chance at success (career-wise).
• I am not lightening because I think it will get me a man (I don't even want a man) or a woman.
• I am not lightening because I am color struck, or have bought into the "white is right" Caucasian standard of beauty.
• I do not believe that lightening automatically means I do not love myself, my race, or my culture.
• I do not believe that changing my skin color changes who I am as a person on the inside
  

Well, I for one used to think that lightening your skin instead of getting to evenness was a reflection of self hatred. I never thought about "white privilege" also extending into the issues of skin lightening. I never before had to or thought to think "well, why can't I?" Why can a white (or lighter) person tan to their hearts content, get contacts, dye their hair, straighten or curl it and not be questioned racially? Psychologically?

I am much more aware that some people only see skin tone, where as I have always seen facial structure, and a great admiration for even tones of any shade. When I look at someone, I also wonder if I have considered them beautiful because of their skin. I wanted to know if I was color struck. Am I lightening because I'm trying to be white? As it were, the answers are "no," but it was a journey to end up right where I started.

If we're getting technical here, the Harvard test says I have a preference for darker skin (part of the 6% who do). Personally, I think the test is ineffective for various reasons (two of which being whether someone is dominant with the right or left, and also how they start the associations). But I digress. I think dark skin is beautiful, but I'm not sure whether or not I have a preference for it. I think dark mocha will turn my head much faster than pale ivory- mostly because it's striking and uncommon where I am, but that isn't the whole truth. It's a half truth, and everyone should remember that such things aren't a reflection of everything.

FTR, my only skin preference is for good, clean and even toned skin. You can be black as the night sky or whiter than porcelain and it'll be good as long as your skin is flawless, dahling. (But I'll take flaws of course!) ^.~

One thing I did realize when researching this is that people, in my case within the black community, think they own me. They really do.
They tell me to hold my head up high, that I am a beautiful black woman. And I am- I know I am. They criticize if I let my hair grow out naturally or shave it; they look on with quiet approval if it is straightened, but also preach about conforming to Caucasian standards and needing to get back to my roots. They tell me that if I bleach my skin then I am full of self hate for myself and my race. They tell me if my skin is uneven, then I am less beautiful and I may lighten it, but only to achieve evenness. That is what I mean when I talk about ownership. Who does that? Who really, genuinely sits behind a monitor and tells someone what they may and may not do with their own body based not on facts but on media hype and social stigma? Only people who on some level believe they have the right, on some level, to dictate my life- your life.

They tell me that I am color struck and need therapy. They tell me I can't wear contacts or dye my hair a certain color on top of it because that would mean I am a traitor to my race. They think they own me because they believe their way is the only way. They think they own me because they don't believe I can truly love myself and my heritage and have a difference in opinion.

Well, why do I have to be full of self hate? I myself know how I truly feel, and I dedicated an exceptional amount of time evaluating my reasoning before even touching a product. Why do I have to have white envy? Light envy? Why can't I just want to see how things go? A simple curiosity. Just because it's unconventional does not mean it is rooted in the negative. When done right, it is more beneficial and much safer in the long run than tanning; whether natural or through HQ.

Point is, this journey has taught me not only to know where I come from, but where I'm going. Do most people even know that the original popularization of the hair straightening hot comb was not to emulate Caucasian beauty standards, but instead it was to accompany petroleum as part of a scalp treatment for a condition that plagued black women in the 1900s? I sure as hell didn't, and I doubt a large portion of those who are both sides of the hair debate do either. I've learned to question and find my own answers. I learned that I can't please everyone, and people will think that they want to about me and what I do, but that's true in all walks of life. I just found my own source of validation and with that comes the responsibility of constantly challenging established view points- my own included.

Retin-A; Application One:

Just put on the 0.05%- I hope I did everything correctly! I had more trouble with this pea sized amount deal than I'd previously thought I would. I tried to go for the "less is more" line of thinking, so instead of wasting product, my main worry would be not spreading enough product, I think.

Oh! And the lotion applicator I got from Bed Bath and Beyond works wonderfully! I was able to easily apply and spread the retin-a onto my back. Ironically, if any area got even coverage, I think that would be it.

I plan to apply every three days with a buffer. I am not yet applying my HQ 4%- I will begin that next week.

So I went through with my second TCA Peel...

Just did my TCA application (12.5%). I'll keep this one short. It hurt soooooo bad! So bad! My thoughts were "holy ----, holy ---- HOLY INSERT YOUR WORD OF CHOICE, OMG!" I'm still getting acquainted with the new neck skin from my first round* and it is a weak thing comparatively! I didn't realize how thick my previous hide was until just now. It's still thick enough that glutathione soap does nothing for it, but 2 layers of TCA! See previous!!

Ironically, my face** handled 2 layers like a champ, but that's probably because the first time around I accidentally put on 3 layers. Oh, well!

I know a lot of people use emu oil but I personally prefer to glob on Bert's Bees Res-Q Ointment. It's very effective and cheap. One container lasts four weeks (or two applications) if you apply it correctly and conservatively. Roughly one week after the application I apply Carotein to the dead skin to help encourage fast, more even peeling. Also, I've been applying Nadinola to the exposed skin as a preventative towards re-darkening. The first time I applied a TCA peel my neck lightened considerably, but gradually darkened a bit. Don't get me wrong! I was still four shades lighter than when I'd first started (and this was without any other lightening agent), but it still could have been lighter. So this is my preventative.

*I've applied TCA to my neck before, same concentration. It's very effective for my neck, it's just painful to apply and the downtime is annoying. All in all, beauty is pain and this pain is worth it!

**I apply sparring amounts around my lips and cheek bones.

Week Three?

I think, I'll check!

I stopped noticing results, personally. =P However, my mom mentioned to me that she can now tell my neck is getting lighter (where as previously she couldn't tell). Right now I am considering doing a TCA, but I'm not sure yet. Thinking.

Week Two

Not much notable change since my last report. It's too early to tell, so we'll be waiting on week three. Today I am letting the glutathione soap just rest on my neck. I am waiting on the RA to ship here from ADC. :3

ETA

Though to be fair: the hyperpigmentation on my sides seem to be fading a bit.

First Review of the Season

Well, here it is!

After one week the optimist in me has observed that the HQ is slowly working! I can compare the very edge of my neck on one side to the other side I didn't apply as carefully to and it appears to be at least a shade lighter. I also noticed a few days ago that around my mouth it looks as if I'd applied a thin layer of foundation without doing so, indicating that the marks there are fading as well. I'm clearly excited, however the skeptic in me has decided that on the 50/50 scale I must lean towards a "no clear results." I've been very diligent with the HQ, but not as diligent as with the Carotein, especially since it really does nothing for my neck. I am going to save for RA for my neck.
The rest of my body has responded very well to the Carotein, however. I've already nearly completely evened out the scars around my belly button. Happy day!

Week One:
HQ- Possibly working.
Carotein- for the most part exfoliating.

Plans:
When I am out of these brands I will be putting my order in with ADC. I'm very excited! But of course, that is pending results at the end of week 4.

One Week

I'm now tracking my progress with Carotein and HQ! While I'd been using Carotein for a while longer than HQ (two weeks-ish?) I will start the mark with when I first started HQ! The one week marker will be Wednesday.